4 Ways Fighting About Money Can Make You Spend More
Arguing about money is a common thing for couples. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it should be normalized, because one thing it definitely isn’t is healthy.
A disagreement about a missed bill or a stressful emergency repair is one thing. An argument that actually has you and your partner on (or beyond) the verge of losing your cool is something entirely different. Once these fights start they don’t stop until people calm down and, possibly through couples’ therapy, find a clear way forward.
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Fighting about money isn't bad for you and your relationship either; it’s potentially bad for your finances. We spoke with couples psychology experts to learn about four ways fighting about money can make you spend more.
Conflict Drives Impulse Spending
We all know about retail therapy, but have we thought about when we indulge in it, despite knowing it’s unwise? There’s nothing like a spat with your partner to trigger an impulse shopping spree.
“After an intense argument we all look for ways to regulate our negative emotions,” said Dr. Eli Kraiem, clinical psychologist and professor at Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology. “One unhealthy way to deal with the aftermath of conflict is to spend impulsively. This can look like ordering expensive take out, booking a weekend getaway or simply scrolling on social media and purchasing items that look appealing. Emotional spending can provide temporary relief but often creates further financial stress and conflict.”
You Could Be Ignoring a Financial Legal Problem
Frequent fighting can be a way of letting off steam and then going back to life as usual. That’s a pretty bad cycle to get locked in and it’s hard to break. If you’re fighting about lack of transparency or financial secrets, then you need to stop fighting and bring in a therapist or possibly even a lawyer. The longer you avoid dealing with a problem by fighting about it, the more damage you’re doing by letting the problem go unresolved.
“Hidden accounts, undisclosed debt or even just not being fully open about finances can create a lot of distrust,” said Jenny Bradley, board-certified family law specialist, author and founder of Triangle Smart Divorce. “From a legal standpoint, this becomes a much bigger problem in divorce, but even during a marriage, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. We always say that financial honesty is not optional. If you can’t talk openly about money, you’re going to have bigger problems down the line.”
The Problem Is Growing Strong as You Grow Apart
Let’s say you’re spending too much and your wife picks a fight with you (as you may see it) and tells you that your way of budgeting is endangering your retirement savings. You may have interpreted what she’s saying as an unfair judgment and a threat hurled out of nowhere. You may feel attacked. So you respond defensively. And as you do that, you perpetuate the belief that you’re right and she’s wrong. Nothing changes. If anything you start spending more.
“Now the financial plan turns into a scoreboard of how many more things they can buy to prove a point, even when they're spending well beyond what was budgeted,” said Evan Mills, associate financial advisor at Scholar Advising.
You Become Even More Disconnected About Money
Fighting about money won’t fix the money problem, but it could aggravate it and cause you to drift further into a financial and general disconnect.
“When a couple continuously fights about the same money issues without anything changing, they could eventually stop putting in the effort to work through things and become disconnected and cease to talk about their money differences at all because it causes too much resentment and contempt,” said Jaime Bronstein, licensed dating and relationship therapist and coach at The Relationship Expert. “Without working through the issues, they stay unresolved, which causes the couple to continue to hurt financially.”
This article was provided by MoneyLion.com for informational purposes only and should not be construed as financial, legal or tax advice.
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